I am the owner of a large ass. It’s been that way all my life. Kids used to tease me about it, but since I could not physically see what they were talking about, their taunts had little effect. (Ghetto booty; juicy booty; bubble butt; Mr. Hue Jass — I have heard them all.) The teasing was friendly but constant, and it wasn’t until watching old home movies as an adult that I could see how big my butt was as a kid. For most of my childhood, I basically had an adult-sized ass on a kid-sized body. It’s a miracle I didn’t have major hip or back problems because kid pelvises are not supposed to support adult asses. Thankfully, I grew to 6’2″ so my butt looks more proportional.
Genetics play a large role in my large ass. Kent Family ass-lineage is well documented. My dad has a big butt, and I’m sure his dad had a big butt too. The Kent genes may have a problem fitting in jeans, but our butts are not created equal. While my dad’s ass is more 3D square-shaped, mine is more like two basketballs glued together. We’ve broken our fair share of chairs over the years and have a hard time sitting together on the couch. Now that you have a small glimpse of where I’m coming from, here are three negatives of having a big butt.
1. Pants Often Rip
I blow the ass out of a lot of pants. It started in high school. Most squat patterns in the weight room were followed by a huge ripping sound. What was that noise? Did I tear something? Herniated disc? Blown out ACL? Nope, what blew out was my underpants. While comical at first, this pattern has frequently repeated itself over the years. I have ripped my pants dynamic stretching, demonstrating lunges for a client, foam rolling, picking up my dog, picking up my daughter, and bending down to tie my shoes. While this may sound hilarious, you are probably asking “How tight are your pants, bro?” Trust me, I am not a skinny-pants-wearing-kinda-guy. These blowouts are because of one reason: maximum gluteus maximus.
I am so familiar with the ripped pants procedure that my tailor laughs every time I bring in the aforementioned evidence. Like a regular ordering a meal at a neighborhood diner, he asks, “the usual?” Yes, Carlos, the usual. And reinforce the crotch, will ya?!?
2. Pants Shopping Sucks
As a kid, I dreaded having to try on jeans whenever my mom would take me shopping. I would be in the fitting room with piles of all different styles of jeans (because, hey, you never know which ones will fit) trying to comprehend why jean sizes were not universal. There is no joy in this process, just anger and an afternoon wasted. How could it be so hard to find pants that fit? Why do I have to sacrifice a full day to find proper pants? Am I the only one with this problem?
I tried to leave this childhood pain behind me, but a few years ago I received a gift card to Kenneth Cole. As a stylish young man, I thought I’d get a swanky pair of jeans. I realized way too late that I have no business pants-shopping in Kenneth Cole. As in, someone should have stopped me at the entrance, analyzed my frame, and said, “Sir, we don’t serve your kind here.” After a vigorous effort trying to squeeze into way-too-tight pants, I bought a sweater and promptly left.
3. Will I Fit In That Seat?
I am an avid CTA rider and take public transportation about 98% of the time. Because I am usually riding at non-rush hour times, seats are plentiful. But, there is occasionally the instance where the bus is crowded and I will have to sit with someone. I have noticed many smaller-butt riders slide right into any open seat without hesitation. I, however, have to take into account a couple of important factors:
*How big is the other person’s butt? If it’s as big or bigger than mine, forget about it. I need the seat’s maximum square footage and cannot afford someone’s butt spilling into my seat. By definition, personal space is uniquely personal. My seat if for my butt only. If my neighbor’s butt stays in its seat, we’re good. If it crosses over the imaginary yet well-known dividing line into my seat, it looks like I’m standing for the commute because I don’t want your butt touching me.
*Did Sir Issac Newton really know what the hell he was talking about? If two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, and I shove my butt into an open seat in-between two bigger butts, do our three big butts upset the laws of physics? Is it possible, using Tetris-style maneuvering, that our asses can be in perfect geometric alignment? Or, does having three huge butts in a tight space tilt the Earth off its axis, thus dooming mankind forever?
These are my 5am decisions.
As you can see, life with a big butt is not as glamorous as Kim Kardashian makes it out to be. Most of us have daily fights with our pants, and we lose more than we win. Most of us wonder if that skinny bar stool will do its job and hold us up. Most of us have a tailor on speed dial. And, most of us stress over putting our seat into a CTA seat.
On the positive side, we all sit a little prouder when we hear Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” It has become an anthem for those of us with a big booty. So shake it. Shake it. Shake it. Shake it. Shake that healthy butt!